Monthly Archives: January 2009

What i WISH I heard doctors say…

In case anyone has any doubt, the following is all intended to be humourous and the answers are not endorsed by any doctors I know of…
*******************************************************************
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! …. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. AND… For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Our Core Value Is…

“Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” —Jesus, John 13:35 (NLT)

During this month, the culture around us will focus on “love” with images of hearts and cupids, and gifts of flowers and candy. Interestingly, that’s the very word image that Jesus used when he described the way that the world around us would be able to identify true followers of Jesus… they would know us by our love.

Now that doesn’t mean we have to send Valentines to each other or buy chocolate for the preacher (although you are welcome to do those things!) But it does mean that if we are going to try to win the world, we must win them by the way we show them the love of Jesus. And if we want the world to notice the love we have, they need to be able to see examples of our love when they look at us… even in the way we treat the other people around us who are sometimes a little less loveable. You know who I’m talking about… There’s the great-aunt or cousin that thinks she is the world’s greatest expert on everything and you find yourself trying to find an excuse out of that family reunion just to avoid her. Or perhaps it’s the guy who thinks he has a personal mission from God Almighty to tell everyone in the church how their jobs and ministries ought to be run… or maybe someone from work who’s more annoying than productive. Sometimes it’s just plain hard to love someone!

These are the ones the non-Christians around us are watching… to see how we interact with them. Is the love of Jesus evident in those annoying, stressful, strained relationship moments? Because if the love of Christ is big enough to make a difference in those situations, with those people, then maybe He could help in their lives as well.

Our annual conference has tried to boil down HOW we, as a group of churches and as a group of Christians, can “get the job done” and it came down to one basic statement: “Our core value is love.”

With every heart decoration or candy you see this month, with every valentine you send or receive this month, and with every relationship you encounter this month, let the love of Jesus be at the very core of what you do, what you say, and who you are… because they’ll know us by our love.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

What I Learned In Junior High

When I was a kid in junior high, I joined the library club. I liked being around all those thousands of books. I didn’t really read them all, but I would peruse their pages when I had a free moment.

Our librarian, Miss Beverley Volkar, made working in the library fun. She taught us how to catalog and shelve books, how to properly care for them, and the importance of having access to important resources.

I had a chance to connect with Miss Volkar (now Ms. Stotera) again a few years ago. That time of remembering and reconnecting helped me realize that there were at least two core values I learned back then that have helped me become the person I am today (some three decades later).

FIRST, remembering those early years and the library reminded me of what it meant to be a steward. Miss Volkar may have been the librarian and had thousands of books and resources in her care, but they weren’t hers. She had complete power and authority over what books to purchase, where to keep them, how to arrange them, and what books to discard, but she didn’t own them. She simply was a steward who cared for someone else’s property. In the Bible, we are told how we are given the ability to work and earn money, but that it ALL belongs to God. We have the power and authority over what we purchase with that money, how to care for those purchases and that money, where to keep the resources we purchase and the money that remains, how to arrange them, and even what to discard. But like Miss Volkar, we are simply stewards who are entrusted to care for someone else’s property… in this case, God’s property… HIS money and HIS property. The only things that are really ours, are the ones we brought with us from the womb and take with us to the tomb. Everything else is on loan from Him, whether we like to admit it or not.

SECONDLY, I remembered how Miss Volkar did more than run an efficient library. She made the library a safe place to come and talk (quietly, of course). We could ask her just about anything, and she would talk with us and help us find our answers. And it was there in the library, every morning before school, our little group of Christians would get together to pray and to have a devotional time before heading off to homeroom. Later on, when I was facing intense personal crisis, at times even considering suicide, she was the friend who was willing to listen.

Miss Volkar was a MENTOR to me. She listened without judgment, she prayed with me and for me, she trusted me, she believed in me… when I was so swallowed up by depression that I was pretty convinced that no one else in the whole world did. (Years later, I would learn how much my parents, grandparents, my church, and others were also ‘there for me’ but as a freshman in high school I still had teenage-blinders on and just couldn’t see it.) We all need someone like Miss Volkar… especially our youth and young adults. And it can’t just be our parents.

Has God put you into a situation where you can be a mentor to someone? Maybe they’re no longer a teen, but you can “take them under your wing” anyways. Even now, three decades later, I still have mentors I look to when facing trying times… not necessarily to fix my problems, but to hear me, care for me, to pray with and for me.

Stewardship & mentoring. Good reminders from my childhood that I need as I walk the Christian walk of faith as an adult… and as I face a new year.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized