Category Archives: Humor

The Problem with the Pews

A potentially dangerous situation has developed in the church sanctuary. The pews, which are as old as the church building, have begun to dry out.

This loss of moisture, and the subsequent loss of weight, has led to the distinct possibility that they might float free. This presents the possibility that during worship, a free-floating pew could damage a member or guest. Further, it is believed that even if a member or a guest were able successfully to dodge an oncoming free-floating pew, the evasive action would certainly disrupt the spiritual tranquility of the worshiping dodger.

The problem was brought before a committee in the latter part of last year. The committee first considered using steel cables to anchor the pews to bedrock, which is 247 feet beneath the church. After receiving the cost estimate of $145,912.77 and extensive consultations with engineers, this idea was abandoned. The committee, after deliberating, deciding that adding weight to the pews would be a better solution to the problem. The committee considered using brass scrap or lead ingots but they proved to be too expensive. Pig iron was found to be cheaper, but it, like brass and lead, had a certain lifeless quality.

The committee searched for a medium density object which was both sparkling and vibrant. After sifting through all of the possibilities, the committee has opted to use warm bodies to weigh down the pews, and the committee is asking the membership to provide the necessary weight. This can be done by coming to church and, if possible, by bringing a medium density object (in the form of a friend or neighbor) with you.

 

HAPPY APRIL FOOL’S DAY!

 

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The Atheists’ Holiday?

The fool has said in his heart, “There is no God.”

— Psalm 14:1/Psalm 53:1

 

There’s a funny story that circulates around the internet about an atheist who is in court claiming discrimination since there are holidays for religious observances, but none for those who aren’t believers. The judge is reported to say that atheists in fact DO have a holiday: April Fool’s Day! The judge’s rationale is this verse from the Psalms.

It’s a cute story, even though I doubt it’s true.

As usual, April starts with this holiday celebrating foolishness and fun. But this year we also have Palm Sunday, Holy Week, and Easter Sunday. Holidays for non-believers AND believers alike!

But this idea of the fool has captured my attention. Nobody (that I know of) likes being called a fool. And yet, to the extent that we are still unbelievers… ones who doubt God… then, according to the Bible, we ARE fools.

Most of us involved with this church family would claim to be a believer in God… in fact, we regularly use the Apostles’ Creed to declare, and reaffirm, our beliefs. “I believe in God the Father… in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord… in the Holy Spirit…” We believe.

But if we are really honest with ourselves, there are many moments when we’re not sure WHAT to believe. There are so many different opinions on what it means to be a Christian, what you’re allowed to do or say, even what you can wear if you’re going to be a member of this group of Christians or that other group down the street. Many people look at the very same Bible we read and get an entirely different meaning than we do. What are we to do?

Ultimately I find myself in those moments remembering the father of a sick child asking Jesus for help and for healing. Jesus asked him “Do you believe?” And that father replied “I do believe… Help my unbelief.”

Isn’t that our situation so often? We DO believe… yet there are so many areas where our faith needs to keep growing and our believing needs help. We, like that father of the sick child, can honestly say: ‘I believe… Help my unbelief.’

It is only the foolish ones that categorically decree that there is nothing in which to believe. And they are known as fools.

Let’s respond to God and his offer of help and healing through Jesus with those words: “I do believe… Help my unbelief!”

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This was my pastor’s column in my church’s newsletter.

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Happy PI Day

Today, at least in the United States, is affectionately called PI Day! In U.S. notation the month, represented by a number, is noted first, followed by the calendar day of the month, thus today, March 14th, is 3.14, which any of us geeks will tell you is the beginning numbers of the mathematical PI!

I won’t bore you with all the details, but PI is a number that you get when calculating with circles… AND as you divide it out you soon discover it is a never ending number. To understand it better, check with your favorite mathematician or watch the movie “The Life of Pi.”

I’ve collected a few PI jokes through the past few years and then found some in a news article from Newsweek online at https://www.newsweek.com/pi-day-2019-jokes-celebration-1361317.

Here are the jokes from their article…

Why should you never talk to pi? Because he’ll just go on forever.

What was Sir Isaac Newton’s favorite dessert? Apple pi.

The mathematician says, “Pi r squared.” The baker replies, “No, pies are round. Cakes are square.”

What do you get when you take green cheese and divide its circumference by its diameter? Moon pi.

How many pastry chefs does it take to make a pie? 3.14.

The worst thing about getting hit in the face with pi is that it never ends.

What is 1.57? Half a pi.

What do you get when you cut a jack o’lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin pi.

3.14 percent of sailors are PI-rates!

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Flintstone’s Ten Commandments

Here is my first attempt at using the iPhone to make a “movie” out of the pictures and the audio recording we made during children’s time a few Sundays ago. Down the road, I’ll learn the technology better and you’ll be able to actually read all the words… but until then… ENJOY!

Please follow this link and watch (& give a thumbs up) on the actual YouTube site. This allows us to post the video where everyone can access it, not just the people who use Facebook. Thanks!

https://youtu.be/cqeUREo6SEQ

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Eyes

As a child, one of the Sunday School songs started like this: “Be careful little eyes what you see…” and it reminded us that what we look at, affects our thinking, which affects our actions, which becomes a spiritual issue as well. Similar verses warned our ears and what we listen to, our hands and the things we choose to do, and finally our feet and where we choose to go.

I have been repeatedly returning to Psalm 119 over the past four or five months every once in a while and yesterday I got caught on verse 37: “Turn away my eyes from looking at worthless things, And revive me in Your way.” (New Living Translation).

I was immediately reminded of how many times I go online for some legitimate reason and “accidentally” find myself still online 20 minutes, an hour, or even several hours later. I need to redeem the time… and Facebook and Twitter can be tools and even very helpful, but they can be the door in to a longer, more wasteful, worthless online experience.

And it’s EVERYTHING we allow into our minds and hearts, isn’t it? Internet, video games, books, comics, magazines, songs (and lyrics), and the list could go on for quite a while…

Couple that with a crazy “selfie” picture that I had taken a couple of weeks ago when I had shaved my beard down and a new graphic reminder of this verse was born.

Enjoy… or be freaked  out… but heed the Scriptural truth.

psalm-11937-mixed-rendition

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Ten Reasons Men Should Not Be Ordained Pastors

All of the sudden in the past three months or so, I’ve encountered the idea that women should not be ordained pastors from about five different sources… from five different Christian faith traditions in fact. NONE of them is from my United Methodist tradition, I need to add. It was in the past but we solved that theological confusion 50 some years ago.

Based on the reasons I’ve heard and read, then, for exactly the same logical kinds of arguments, then MEN should not be ordained pastors either.

(Full disclosure: I didn’t write the following article, but it’s genius and I wish I had!)

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Ten Reasons Men Should Not be Ordained Pastors

10. A man’s place is in the army.

9. For men who have children, their duties might distract them from the responsibilities of being a parent.

8. Their physical build indicates that men are more suited to tasks such as chopping down trees and wrestling mountain lions. It would be “unnatural” for them to do other forms of work.

7. Man was created before woman. It is therefore obvious that man was a prototype. Thus, they represent an experiment, rather than the crowning achievement of creation.

6. Men are too emotional to be priests or pastors. This is easily demonstrated by their conduct at football games and watching basketball tournaments.

5. Some men are handsome; they will distract women worshipers.

4. To be ordained pastor is to nurture the congregation. But this is not a traditional male role. Rather, throughout history, women have been considered to be not only more skilled than men at nurturing, but also more frequently attracted to it. This makes them the obvious choice for ordination.

3. Men are overly prone to violence. No really manly man wants to settle disputes by any means other than by fighting about it. Thus, they would be poor role models, as well as being dangerously unstable in positions of leadership.

2. Men can still be involved in church activities, even without being ordained. They can sweep paths, repair the church roof, change the oil in the church vans, and maybe even lead the singing on Father’s Day. By confining themselves to such traditional male roles, they can still be vitally important in the life of the Church.

1. In the New Testament account, the person who betrayed Jesus was a man. Thus, his lack of faith and ensuing punishment stands as a symbol of the subordinated position that all men should take.

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Cats & Teens

This post originally appeared on my old blogger blog in December 2006. Sadly, Noel has since died (2011). This is the post as it appeared originally: 

On Monday, a co-worker gave my wife a just weened kitten. It’s of the Asian Leopard family (mostly that is… It seems that after several pure-bred generations, this kitten’s momma slipped out of the house one night unchapperoned). My wife, Gay, has decided to name her “Noel.”
That’s Noel being held up for her introduction to the world by Sarah, and of course, the cat has already lost interest.

Anyways, the girls and Josh are having more fun watching this kitten than TV (Programming’s better and with a cat, you know it’ll be cleaner!)

I have NOTHING profound to say but am again just amazed at the joy of everyday life. YEAH GOD!!!

Watching the girls notice the way this kitten seems to have her own mind and will, reminded of this old joke that circulated years back when I was working in the public school. ENJOY!

TEENS AND CATS
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy — a sense of complete and utter boredom.
9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture.

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